Alone

...Alone...

...Tonight, I thought I was going to lose her...

I was getting her night time meds together when she started to cough. It was no different than any other cough to start. She continued and when I looked at her, she looked distressed. She closed her eyes and began these long coughs that just wouldn't seem to end. Then her face began turning red. She lost those rosey cheeks I love so much and it all started to become one big blur.

...Alone...

I put her meds down on the coffee table and picked her up, managing to remain somewhat calm. Inside I could feel my heart beating faster and faster. I started calling her name out loud because she just wouldn't open her eyes for me. Slowly, her lips began to turn purple. I started to remember how my mom looked when she died in my arms from an allergic reaction to Vicadin. She had an asthma attack when I was 15 and became limp in my arms. You don't know what to do. You know true fear. Reality hits you hard when you realize that you might have just witnessed someone's last breath. Their last look. Their last touch with warm skin.

What happened tonight was an all too familiar feeling for me. First my mom, now my daughter?

I began swiftly rapping on Charlie's back with a cupped hand. She still had her eyes closed and she stopped breathing. Her lips, now completely purple, told me to trust my instincts. I threw her on to my shoulder and rushed her to the bedroom where the suction machine was located at the time. I put her on her side facing me while watching her little body trying to get air. She couldn't. I turned the machine on and inserted the tube down her throat. I wanted her to vomit so there would be nothing obstructing her airway. Success!

...Alone...

It took a few tries to get her clear but she finally did it. I hated making her vomit but it was the only way I could think to help her. I trusted my instincts. I went with it. I was in control and didn't panic. I got her breathing again. Just like my dad did with my mom. We put my mom on the floor and while we waited, what seemed like eternity, for the ambulance, my dad did CPR on her. He didn't give up! I, however, crawled into the corner of the bathroom where my mother lied with no pulse. Holding her inhaler and watching my dad be insistent on not losing my mom. It worked! He kept doing what he thought was right and in doing so, she is still here today.

...Alone...

Charlie finally opened her eyes. She had tears streaming down her face but no cry to follow. She was uncomfortable, probably from me pounding on her back, but she was awake and alive. I let her stay on her side for a while. Letting her drain whatever might be left in her throat. I was kneeling on the floor just looking at her. I broke. I broke. I broke. I cried while rubbing her back. I told her that she cannot leave me. Not like this. Not in such pain. I don't want her last moments to be filled with pain and discomfort.

After fully draining, I picked her up and just embraced my baby girl. Rocking back and forth. Feeling her breathing effortlessly. Thanking myself for being able to control the situation.

Now, she is sleeping peacefully and I, once again, am alone...

To be continued...